A similar approach was recommended by parents of cult followers during the Eighties. It was framed as "keeping lines of communication open." Cult followers would easily sever ties with family members who expressed opposition to the cult, especially since the cult leaders advocated separation from family and friends who weren't cult members.
True. But for many of us parents, our kid was indoctrinated into the cult unbeknownst to us and had years of coaching before we did. For many of us, we were held hostage to use the new name/pronouns before a discussion could be had - absolute agreement or estrangement.
I am so, so sorry! You really were held hostage, as are so many other parents. Fairly frequently now I hear directly from parents of "trans," "non binary," etc. teens and young adults, or from people who know parents who are in this situation. In my ultra woke city, most of the parents are on board with the gender ideology, but they too are held hostage. Even though they practice all the required jargon, apologize every time they slip up on pronouns or names, and take the kid(s) to the gender clinic, and in their case this is all voluntary, the whole family knows that if they refused to comply they would be powerless over whatever their child did next.
Many if not all children will try to get their own way. Now we are seeing what happens when most of the adults in the child's life side with the child and against the parents. The incredible damage that these adults are causing to the children is denied, and the parents are blamed for trying to protect their kids. My theory is that the interfering adults are using children to act out their own unfulfilled fantasies and unresolved conflicts with authority.
I think you’re onto something. I think it depends on the adult. I think it fulfills a savior complex for adults. I think it gives them a sense of meaning about helping a kid they think would otherwise be destroyed by life lol. It’s kind of a soap opera drama for some of these people.
I completely agree about the savior complex, and about the soap opera aspect of it. Young people especially, now that they are getting jobs at Disney and such places, are creating story after story of heroes (themselves) who save victims against abusers. You would think that these young artists were abused themselves, since they have such an issue with it, but most of them have been overly sheltered and spoiled.
This is a hard question, especially when the trans-identifying person is an adult. When it's a young teen or a child, I have seen success when parents a) refuse to affirm, b) remove kids from their current social circles (often pulling them from school and/or moving), and c) removing all access to any internet. It often includes a lot of anger, a lot of hostility from the child, and a couple years of dealing with it until the child starts to see the truth.
But when it's an older teen, or an adult, when the individual has more autonomy, this isn't an option. On the one hand, it's literally impossible to control all these for an adult, but even more than that humans are wired for greater autonomy as we grow out of being a child.
I have a sister who has taken on a trans identity, and it's hard to navigate. I desperately want to keep the connection. On the other hand, if nobody is ever willing to tell her the truth, then she will never ever find it. It is never easy.
This is fundamentally a medical scandal, just like lobotomies or opioids. That can be stopped for adults as well.
When this finally collapses, when an adult woman goes to the doctor and says "I'm really a man since I'm in the wrong body!" the answer must be NO, just like when anorexics ask for Adderall for weight loss.
If adult apotemnophiliacs can be told no, so can adults who want to be the opposite sex. It's a mental delusion and untreated mental illness, nothing more.
I just hope your daughter is not at risk from men who identify as "lesbians." They are predatory and dangerous, prey on younger women and use them as props to fulfill their fetish. I suggest she look into the history, the facts about males who demand to be housed in female estate in prisons and the young men she may also be circulating with who rape their lesbian girlfriends. I keep data on men who ideate a female persona and the stats on women living with crossdressing men are alarming.
I love this article! Your instinct to prioritise connection with your daughter is so laudable.
My favorite sentence is 'My daughter is more than her trans identity.' That is so true! We are all more than our social identities; more than our physical bodies, even. In my opinion, spiritual growth is about discovering and living from that 'more.' Ultimately, it is our own consciousness.
I was devastated when my daughter told me she wanted to medically transition and become a trans man. I actually resorted to a reversal of the emotional blackmail promoted by trans activists, who would ask parents "Do you want a living son, or a dead daughter?" When my (then) daughter came out as trans, I said "Do you want to be a woman and have a living mother, or be a man and have a dead mother?"
(I'm Irish and Sicilian, I can't help it).
My (then) daughter knew I would come around because this kid is the sun and moon to me.
And you know what?
My child made the right decision. The light that left my child's eyes at puberty came back when he (she) began to medically transition.
I didn't lose my child when he (she) medically transitioned. I actually got him back.
He is so much happier today. And because he is happier, I am happier.
No, my son will never be male. But he looks male, and he moves through the world being treated as a male. He's not demanding the right of actual males to flash their penises in women's locker rooms or to compete against females in sports. He is not demanding that males be housed in women's prisons, or that all references to womanhood be removed from discussions of pregnancy or childbirth.
My son just wants to live his life in a way that mitigates his sex dysphoria (which I strongly suspect has deep neurological roots, especially in females with autism).
Being the parent of a trans person is terrifying because of the medical and social risks to their lives.
And because trans people are so vulnerable, we must never ever reject our children when they come out as trans.
At the end of the day, their lives and bodies belong to them, not us.
Our job as the parents of adults is to love them even when we profoundly disagree with the choices they make.
But yet this is (still) a denial of reality. I wonder if 'rejection' is simply sometimes an unwillingness to share a person's beliefs. It happens about all sorts of things and in all sorts of ways but this is the one place I can see at the moment where not sharing someone's belief is perceived as an attack on their personhood.
The trans movement is not organic. When I could no longer ignore that it was being strongly promoted by media, multinational corporations and governments across Europe and North America, I decided to do my own research.
I Googled “who profits financially from the transsexual movement?” I suggest that anyone who cares about a gender confused person should do the same and share the results with that person.
Absolutely. Janice Raymond waxes poetic on this in Doublethink: A Feminist Challenge to Transgenderism. Easy read, well thought out and evidence heavy.
Thanks for your comment and questions. I use her new chosen name out of respect for her autonomy, though it is very uncomfortable for me. Her new name seems to be an important part of her coping mechanism, and my using it is definitely helping us keeping our connection. But I avoid pronouns. I have told her that I wish I could give her what she wants (the masculine pronouns), but these do not ring true for me. And she respects that I need to be true to myself, in the same way that she has the right to be true to herself (even though I disagree with her choices). In other words, she does show us grace and compassion. Usually.
It has taken me a while to find balance with my daughter, and I don't take it for granted. I know this balance could change at any time, which is all the more reason why the connection is essential. I have read extensively, and I highly recommend @stoicmom https://substack.com/@stoicmom for her framework and strategies for thinking about our children who have chosen this path.
I don't think telling lies to mentally ill people shows them respect.
If she were a schizophrenic demanding to be called Joan of Arc, you wouldn't do it to show respect. If she were a 70-pound anorexic demanding to be called fat, you wouldn't do it to show respect.
Every time people tell lies just to show respect, they become weakened and unable to stand up for the truth. That is what pronouns, "deadnames," fake language is all about--demoralizing and degrading people. This is a language battle, and that's why they fight so hard for it. Take that away, and nothing is left.
May I ask a question--did you ever ask your daughter if she experienced sexual abuse as a child?
A main factor of this in women is those who seek to escape being female, as victims of male abuse. If they become the predator, then by definition they can no longer be the prey. It's not 100% all the time, but it is very common.
I’ve done likewise with my daughter for over five years. I’ve avoided speaking anything trans. We share so many other things in common, I focus on those things. One thing I’ve done more of is say, I love you. And she responds, I love you too. I have texted her posts from detransitioners from Reddit when I come across a good one. I find that to be the one avenue to possibly get through to her. But the world around her keeps pretending she’s a man, so how will she ever leave the false pretense, the blatant lie? I think I need a miracle for that.
Bluejay I am very much like you with my trans daughter (ftm). Except that I cannot share detransitioner info with her for fear of pushing her away. We’ve already argued over books I have purchased (Abigail Shrier) and she is deep into the cult of trans ideology. I too am wanting a miracle for her to desist!
We all share the world with people who disagree with us, in large ways and in small ones. We have to do more than simply tolerate those folks; we have to learn to make connections that transcend the disagreements. If not, we move through the world seeing other people as enemies, and in this election year, the perils of that approach could not be more obvious.
Well done and God bless you both. Thank you for sharing your path, it’s actually brilliant and a good lesson for all of us. In fact, it applies to so many choices our children make with which we may not agree or approve, but we love them and must maintain our connection.
Our family's life situation resonates on many points with yours. After a painful extended separation of varying degrees since zer high school graduation, our now 21 year old is back with us these last 4 months. The "third path" you articulate describes very well what we are trying every day to negotiate.
Your phrase "viable life choice" is what caught my attention. Our kid even in a completely heteronormative (if that is the right term) mindset would still be terribly limited by anxiety as well as other age-appropriate struggles resulting in what has been termed failure to launch. Added tol the nonbinary struggle and some history of mental health and attention deficit etc. and our situation feels quite "stuck".
Very valuable piece. Many people fail to realize how vulnerable entering the trans cult can make a person, and getting out of it even more. Not giving up on her and making an effort to connect is a great strategy for a parent. I feel your daughter might be really thankful for your approach, hopefully in the near future.
My youngest, who is 18, identifies as non-binary, after experimenting with a male identity earlier in high school. Thank you for this perspective; I believe it is helpful. So far, she has not indicated she wants to medicalize, but I am working on coming to peace that this is her choice, and it is (and has been) out of my control.
A similar approach was recommended by parents of cult followers during the Eighties. It was framed as "keeping lines of communication open." Cult followers would easily sever ties with family members who expressed opposition to the cult, especially since the cult leaders advocated separation from family and friends who weren't cult members.
True. But for many of us parents, our kid was indoctrinated into the cult unbeknownst to us and had years of coaching before we did. For many of us, we were held hostage to use the new name/pronouns before a discussion could be had - absolute agreement or estrangement.
I am so, so sorry! You really were held hostage, as are so many other parents. Fairly frequently now I hear directly from parents of "trans," "non binary," etc. teens and young adults, or from people who know parents who are in this situation. In my ultra woke city, most of the parents are on board with the gender ideology, but they too are held hostage. Even though they practice all the required jargon, apologize every time they slip up on pronouns or names, and take the kid(s) to the gender clinic, and in their case this is all voluntary, the whole family knows that if they refused to comply they would be powerless over whatever their child did next.
It’s like a mutant form of coercive control a child is exercising over their parents.
Many if not all children will try to get their own way. Now we are seeing what happens when most of the adults in the child's life side with the child and against the parents. The incredible damage that these adults are causing to the children is denied, and the parents are blamed for trying to protect their kids. My theory is that the interfering adults are using children to act out their own unfulfilled fantasies and unresolved conflicts with authority.
I think you’re onto something. I think it depends on the adult. I think it fulfills a savior complex for adults. I think it gives them a sense of meaning about helping a kid they think would otherwise be destroyed by life lol. It’s kind of a soap opera drama for some of these people.
I completely agree about the savior complex, and about the soap opera aspect of it. Young people especially, now that they are getting jobs at Disney and such places, are creating story after story of heroes (themselves) who save victims against abusers. You would think that these young artists were abused themselves, since they have such an issue with it, but most of them have been overly sheltered and spoiled.
Thank you.
Good for you. Hard work. There are too many rock and hard places in today's society. As if we need to further complicated life....
Best of luck to you both. It's worth it.
This is a hard question, especially when the trans-identifying person is an adult. When it's a young teen or a child, I have seen success when parents a) refuse to affirm, b) remove kids from their current social circles (often pulling them from school and/or moving), and c) removing all access to any internet. It often includes a lot of anger, a lot of hostility from the child, and a couple years of dealing with it until the child starts to see the truth.
But when it's an older teen, or an adult, when the individual has more autonomy, this isn't an option. On the one hand, it's literally impossible to control all these for an adult, but even more than that humans are wired for greater autonomy as we grow out of being a child.
I have a sister who has taken on a trans identity, and it's hard to navigate. I desperately want to keep the connection. On the other hand, if nobody is ever willing to tell her the truth, then she will never ever find it. It is never easy.
This is fundamentally a medical scandal, just like lobotomies or opioids. That can be stopped for adults as well.
When this finally collapses, when an adult woman goes to the doctor and says "I'm really a man since I'm in the wrong body!" the answer must be NO, just like when anorexics ask for Adderall for weight loss.
If adult apotemnophiliacs can be told no, so can adults who want to be the opposite sex. It's a mental delusion and untreated mental illness, nothing more.
I just hope your daughter is not at risk from men who identify as "lesbians." They are predatory and dangerous, prey on younger women and use them as props to fulfill their fetish. I suggest she look into the history, the facts about males who demand to be housed in female estate in prisons and the young men she may also be circulating with who rape their lesbian girlfriends. I keep data on men who ideate a female persona and the stats on women living with crossdressing men are alarming.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1pS2szvqXo&t=71s
I love this article! Your instinct to prioritise connection with your daughter is so laudable.
My favorite sentence is 'My daughter is more than her trans identity.' That is so true! We are all more than our social identities; more than our physical bodies, even. In my opinion, spiritual growth is about discovering and living from that 'more.' Ultimately, it is our own consciousness.
Yes, connection is golden. Thank you for reminding us of that.
Good for you and your child!
I was devastated when my daughter told me she wanted to medically transition and become a trans man. I actually resorted to a reversal of the emotional blackmail promoted by trans activists, who would ask parents "Do you want a living son, or a dead daughter?" When my (then) daughter came out as trans, I said "Do you want to be a woman and have a living mother, or be a man and have a dead mother?"
(I'm Irish and Sicilian, I can't help it).
My (then) daughter knew I would come around because this kid is the sun and moon to me.
And you know what?
My child made the right decision. The light that left my child's eyes at puberty came back when he (she) began to medically transition.
I didn't lose my child when he (she) medically transitioned. I actually got him back.
He is so much happier today. And because he is happier, I am happier.
No, my son will never be male. But he looks male, and he moves through the world being treated as a male. He's not demanding the right of actual males to flash their penises in women's locker rooms or to compete against females in sports. He is not demanding that males be housed in women's prisons, or that all references to womanhood be removed from discussions of pregnancy or childbirth.
My son just wants to live his life in a way that mitigates his sex dysphoria (which I strongly suspect has deep neurological roots, especially in females with autism).
Being the parent of a trans person is terrifying because of the medical and social risks to their lives.
And because trans people are so vulnerable, we must never ever reject our children when they come out as trans.
At the end of the day, their lives and bodies belong to them, not us.
Our job as the parents of adults is to love them even when we profoundly disagree with the choices they make.
But yet this is (still) a denial of reality. I wonder if 'rejection' is simply sometimes an unwillingness to share a person's beliefs. It happens about all sorts of things and in all sorts of ways but this is the one place I can see at the moment where not sharing someone's belief is perceived as an attack on their personhood.
The trans movement is not organic. When I could no longer ignore that it was being strongly promoted by media, multinational corporations and governments across Europe and North America, I decided to do my own research.
I Googled “who profits financially from the transsexual movement?” I suggest that anyone who cares about a gender confused person should do the same and share the results with that person.
Absolutely. Janice Raymond waxes poetic on this in Doublethink: A Feminist Challenge to Transgenderism. Easy read, well thought out and evidence heavy.
I am glad you have the connection with your daughter.
How does this work in everyday life?
Do you use the trans name?
Do you avoid pronouns?
Does your daughter have the grace to allow you choices?
Thanks for your comment and questions. I use her new chosen name out of respect for her autonomy, though it is very uncomfortable for me. Her new name seems to be an important part of her coping mechanism, and my using it is definitely helping us keeping our connection. But I avoid pronouns. I have told her that I wish I could give her what she wants (the masculine pronouns), but these do not ring true for me. And she respects that I need to be true to myself, in the same way that she has the right to be true to herself (even though I disagree with her choices). In other words, she does show us grace and compassion. Usually.
It has taken me a while to find balance with my daughter, and I don't take it for granted. I know this balance could change at any time, which is all the more reason why the connection is essential. I have read extensively, and I highly recommend @stoicmom https://substack.com/@stoicmom for her framework and strategies for thinking about our children who have chosen this path.
I don't think telling lies to mentally ill people shows them respect.
If she were a schizophrenic demanding to be called Joan of Arc, you wouldn't do it to show respect. If she were a 70-pound anorexic demanding to be called fat, you wouldn't do it to show respect.
Every time people tell lies just to show respect, they become weakened and unable to stand up for the truth. That is what pronouns, "deadnames," fake language is all about--demoralizing and degrading people. This is a language battle, and that's why they fight so hard for it. Take that away, and nothing is left.
May I ask a question--did you ever ask your daughter if she experienced sexual abuse as a child?
A main factor of this in women is those who seek to escape being female, as victims of male abuse. If they become the predator, then by definition they can no longer be the prey. It's not 100% all the time, but it is very common.
Thanks for your response.
I am glad you have a connection with your daughter.
Many of us have been unable to walk on eggshells without breaking the eggs.
I do know families which are are "allowed" to use a nickname--instead of the trans name.
Coping versus coddled?
I am not criticizing when I use the word, coddled.
Because I do understand that connection is essential.
At some point, these young adults will need to grow up.
How many will keep their trans identities?
I think it comes down to their peer groups, or partners.
Every young woman I know in this identity is enmeshed in a queer friend group--or with a partner who promotes the identity.
The other exit out is when health deteriorates due to wrong-sex hormones.
I’ve done likewise with my daughter for over five years. I’ve avoided speaking anything trans. We share so many other things in common, I focus on those things. One thing I’ve done more of is say, I love you. And she responds, I love you too. I have texted her posts from detransitioners from Reddit when I come across a good one. I find that to be the one avenue to possibly get through to her. But the world around her keeps pretending she’s a man, so how will she ever leave the false pretense, the blatant lie? I think I need a miracle for that.
Bluejay I am very much like you with my trans daughter (ftm). Except that I cannot share detransitioner info with her for fear of pushing her away. We’ve already argued over books I have purchased (Abigail Shrier) and she is deep into the cult of trans ideology. I too am wanting a miracle for her to desist!
Thoughtful and beautifully written. The love, care, and dedication you have for your child is evident and inspiring.Thank you for sharing.
This is great!
We all share the world with people who disagree with us, in large ways and in small ones. We have to do more than simply tolerate those folks; we have to learn to make connections that transcend the disagreements. If not, we move through the world seeing other people as enemies, and in this election year, the perils of that approach could not be more obvious.
Well done and God bless you both. Thank you for sharing your path, it’s actually brilliant and a good lesson for all of us. In fact, it applies to so many choices our children make with which we may not agree or approve, but we love them and must maintain our connection.
Our family's life situation resonates on many points with yours. After a painful extended separation of varying degrees since zer high school graduation, our now 21 year old is back with us these last 4 months. The "third path" you articulate describes very well what we are trying every day to negotiate.
Your phrase "viable life choice" is what caught my attention. Our kid even in a completely heteronormative (if that is the right term) mindset would still be terribly limited by anxiety as well as other age-appropriate struggles resulting in what has been termed failure to launch. Added tol the nonbinary struggle and some history of mental health and attention deficit etc. and our situation feels quite "stuck".
Very valuable piece. Many people fail to realize how vulnerable entering the trans cult can make a person, and getting out of it even more. Not giving up on her and making an effort to connect is a great strategy for a parent. I feel your daughter might be really thankful for your approach, hopefully in the near future.
My youngest, who is 18, identifies as non-binary, after experimenting with a male identity earlier in high school. Thank you for this perspective; I believe it is helpful. So far, she has not indicated she wants to medicalize, but I am working on coming to peace that this is her choice, and it is (and has been) out of my control.