The Path of Connection: Navigating Reality with a Trans Identified Daughter
Too many parents of trans-identifying adults believe they must either affirm or reject the trans identity. But there is a third option.
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My daughter is not “woke.” She is 23. She is a critical thinker, mostly. And she now identifies as trans.
This is a highly destabilizing circumstance for our family. I am on the side of biology. I am not affirming her identity, even as I accept my daughter’s perceived need to adopt it. I understand the roles that mental health and ideology have played in her decision. She has a circle of friends, most of whom are women identifying as trans or queer. She is concerned about children being transitioned by schools and medical professionals; at the same time, she asks that I use masculine pronouns for her.
What’s a Reality’s Last Stand parent to do?
Too many parents of trans-identifying adults mistakenly believe they have only two choices: affirm or reject the trans identity. Parents choose one or the other for complex reasons. Many affirm in hopes of maintaining a full and satisfying relationship with their adult child. Even if they are not true believers, they use new names, new pronouns, and drive their adult kids to “gender affirming” surgery appointments. Others cannot accept or pretend to accept the trans identity. These parents risk estrangement as their young adults choose to minimize or end contact with them.
I flirted with the latter approach, gently telling my daughter that she would always be my daughter, regardless of her self-perception, and sparring with her over ideology. For a few painful months, she would not see me or return my calls. She came back, on her own time, because she wanted to see her grandparents who were visiting. I could see how much she valued our family and our home life.
This experience led me to discover a third option. I’ll call it “the path of connection.”
I believe the best way forward with my trans-identifying daughter is to maintain a strong connection with her as she individuates in a culture that promotes trans identity as a viable life choice.
On this third path, the indisputable facts of biology are reality, but they are not the only reality. Another is the external reality that young adults have inherited. Their world—peers, teachers, therapists, movies, museums, politicians—endorses trans identity as a socially acceptable, even desirable, option. As a mother, I must see the world for what it is, even as I strive to make it what it ought to be.
On this the third path, I avoid certain topics of disagreement—often around gendered language—and throw myself fully into otherwise supporting and experiencing life with my daughter.
On this third path, my daughter is more than her trans identity.
I subtly remind her of this all the time. I do this by showing an interest in her interests, sharing and asking about opinions on other topics, and reinforcing our relationship with attention, light-heartedness, and care as she settles into adulthood. This is sometimes very painful as she is making choices I wish she didn’t make and I believe she will regret. But isn’t that what parents of adult children do all the time, regardless of gender?
I value reality, especially the reality of biology. Yet, at the same time, I am not giving up on my daughter. I’m choosing the path of connection.
Accepting my daughter does not mean agreeing that she is trans. It does mean that I embrace her as a full, flawed, funny, compassionate, misguided, autonomous human being. I am no longer actively hoping for her to desist; she can’t go back to the person she was—none of us can. It’s hard to see her adopting a false persona with a new name. In a vulnerable moment, she admitted that it is just that—a persona, a way to cope, a form of masking. (Don’t we all adopt masks for social living?)
Not all trans-identifying young adults are activists. They do not all believe they can actually change their sex. They do not all want children to be taught gender ideology in school. Some are just doing their best with the reality they’ve been handed.
For me, moving forward now means accepting the reality that my daughter views herself as trans because she believes it makes her life easier. (In an earlier decade, I imagine she might have seen herself and found her way as a butch lesbian. But these are terms, and choices perhaps, that do not resonate with her, despite my preference.) So while I do not accept her trans identity as truth, I do accept it as a coping mechanism that reflects a different kind of reality—one that neither of us created.
We must remember that biology is one reality. Our broken culture is another. Keeping these truths in mind helps me prioritize my connection with my daughter, which, perhaps for different reasons, she and I both need.
The author is using a pseudonym to protect her and her daughter’s privacy.
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A similar approach was recommended by parents of cult followers during the Eighties. It was framed as "keeping lines of communication open." Cult followers would easily sever ties with family members who expressed opposition to the cult, especially since the cult leaders advocated separation from family and friends who weren't cult members.
Good for you. Hard work. There are too many rock and hard places in today's society. As if we need to further complicated life....
Best of luck to you both. It's worth it.